Words

Hi, thanks for reading my blog.

Originally, I had started this to basically shout-whatever-I-want-in-public, as I thought no one would even bother clicking on the stuff I post. However, as time went on, I received much more attention than I ever expected to, so things got a bit awkward with how I continued treating this sort of as a public diary. On one hand, I’m happy to know that many people care. On the other hand, I am sad that this is no longer my original purpose of creating this blog. But I suppose it gives this an organic sense to things - it has evolved; how I do things here now has also “evolved”. Over the course of a few years, even not precisely consistent, the posts have changed in many ways: be it topic, tone, view, or genre choice. But the overarching theme is that I want to be as close to earth as possible. It is in my opinion that making a work of pure fiction would be a waste of time. Granted, I have not indulged myself as many books as I would like before I should have a say in this, but there is only a limited amount of time and a practically unlimited amount of books, and from what I have read what sticked with me most as of late were the ones that are non-fiction or close to non-fiction. And of all those fiction I have read/watched/played => consumed, those which are relatable stuck with me most. Ultimately, it is about relatability. So all the world building would only serve as either to guide your views into what I really want to convey, or to distract your minds from this world - which is not what I want to write about, there are enough isekai stories already. Occasionally, there are some works that create this unique setting which entails a unique problem that is very interesting to wrack your brains over; however, you have to really be in character for such an experience, which requires a series as a single short blog cannot really convey, I think. True, there are short stories that immediately give you the experience of both a thrilling fiction and the underlying problem arising, and maybe a satisfying ending too, as with the case of one-shots. I guess I contradicted myself. I would think about creating fictitious short stories and eventually a long running series. Before that, I would have to read up a bunch to get a feel first, but one day we will have some of those.

Anyway, I digressed from what I really wanted to say today: I want you to read these blogs more to the side of imagining yourself in the character ‘I’ than to the side of thinking about me when you read it. I guess I have mixed up the two things over the course of many blogs: some I tell you about my recent hobbies, some are plain views. I even write about such views that I think not many have thought of, which isolate even more of my writing to myself in your opinions. This is a product of me just kind of “reverse doxxing” myself by writing on the blog of my own name that linked to my personal social profiles. But I had hoped to write to those who would read this and find themselves in my writing, similar to what the authors I like best had done to me. Again, the setting was wrong, I have realized that. On top of normal misinterpretation that inevitably occurs in the process of jotting down from one’s mind words and reading them back into one’s mind, I am not very proficient in writing, either. Some of the blogs, I even wrote them being intoxicated. I am deeply sorry, as I have wasted your time even though you spent it here reading what I have to write. No use making sense of the words of a mad man. That being said, I have to admit that I have never considered the readers of this blog of any importance as I have mentioned before; although, this has gradually and organically changed over the course of my writing and publishing. That is not to say there is not a possibility that this would change again.

However, I do have a genuine concern of how exposed I feel writing about my personal experience here. Even though what I post here is largely trimmed down of anything I write in private, it might still be too much as it can be linked directly to what happened around me and more importantly the people who are related to my stories. I already had to nuke a post, so I feel that my creative choices are being limited without a layer of abstraction away. I finally realized why authors use pen names. I considered making an account in some writers’ platforms and starting again there, meaning to end this blogging journey, or to simply write everything with pen and paper and stop publishing. Neither of which seemed to me satisfying. I like the sense of having to watch how I write because people read it, and I dislike having to conform to a specific trend or genre or whatever the platform designs it to be. Note that publishing under another site that is public but not linked to me is more or less similar to just writing for myself. Plus, seeing how people I know read my stuff then react to it is much more interesting to me. So I guess compromises have to be made. Maybe I have to find more creative ways to write to express myself - like fiction. But then again it would easily be linked to my life, taking away the abstraction needed for one to immerse themself in it… I’m at a bind here.

Nevertheless, fiction seems to be the right choice. And it should be abstract enough for you to enjoy it without suffering from the curse of knowledge of knowing me. We’ll see how this will turn out. And let’s hope I have enough time and effort to actually go on with this. Lol, jk. I will start small so that it is manageable. Until next post! Bye!

P/s: Last blog was to thank the person who recommended me Jung and that channel about him and his work. It was a person I randomly and luckily get to chat with while I was going through the dump. Also, this blog seemed remarkably cheerful now that I think about it. Just to make it clear, I need not to concern myself with how I appear to any of youse on this blog. I, myself, as a person, should not be the subject of discussion. What’s important is how I make you feel… well, then, by extension, I should concern myself with how I appear to you (?). Another dilemma that is a recurring theme: how can I express myself so that you feel the same? If I concern myself too much with how you are feeling, it defeats the purpose of expressing myself, and I would just churn out slop like an AI. On the other hand, if I don’t care at all about how you feel, I cannot create a relatable piece of work. I guess I have to focus on one thing at a time, as it is rather difficult with my current skill level to incorporate all those criteria into just a blogpost. I want next blog to be about world building. I don’t know what my future self have in mind but this is what I want as of now. Maybe I’ll have to write next blog this weekend while the idea is still fresh… but I’m so busy lately… This is not the first time when I have an idea for what the next blog is about then just straight up not do it the next post, I will admit. Also, not only that I’m busy, I’m also lazy, and I also have a truck load of things to do besides this. I make an effort of writing one blog a month but sometimes I even skip a month. Not to say I’m not enjoy doing this, or that this is without benefit, but I need to get some sort of priority in line, and currently it’s not spending my weekend doing world building here, yet. It’s always lots of friction to start I guess. Maybe I need to dream on about what I can achieve eventually should I start now… but then my vision would be clouded with impure intentions, and that would reflect in my writing… Best not to think too much and wait for next month :-)